August 31, 2012

Where are you?

wow. so my ex and I have been hanging out and all the stuff from Cedar Point, and just yeah. BUT I don't know if I even have the ABILITY to hate him.

ya see guys, here is a really good tip. If you and your recent ex are still good friends, and you are in the band together, and she is nice to you and stuff. DON'T tell one of her best friends in the band that you like her. Because either she still likes you, and when she finds out she will be a mix between heartbroken and PISSED OFF. or she is over you, but is still kind of upset that you like her best friend. so just don't. it's a bad idea, and even if you like this chick, just keep it to yourself. Your ex might still like you. SO JUST DON'T!!!

so how do I feel? honestly, pretty angry, and upset; but mainly hurt

how did I react? well, I didn't hear it from him. I heard it from my friend. I was just in shock at first, and then after a while I just well I sobbed! what was I supposed to do? I just accidentally told the kid I still kinda like him, and how I find out he likes my FRIEND! I really am just frustrated.

but at 11:11 I have a new wish. instead of wishing to get back together, or be better friends. I wished for a new guy. a cute, nice one. one who won't say I'm rude, or bossy, but instead would work with me on NOT being that way. One that will still help me when I'm in trouble or being picked on. One that I can trust. ENTIRELY. One who won't make me cry. Who would be worth the tears but never make me shed them. One who I can actually be well compatible with...

but where is he?

August 30, 2012

What do I do?

So, the past few days... I still don't know what to do...

The other day I was craving some serious chocolate. So I made chocolate chips cookies then posted about it on Facebook for randomness. And so my guy friend was commenting on it, so I said I would bring some cookies and he could have one. Then AFTER practice my ex, he commented on it and so I offered to bring him a cookie to, for yesterday.

Then I waited for him to show up and find me, I saw him but my friend was talking to me, and the next thing I knew he was gone! So now I feel kinda bad about not trying to find him... But I told him to find me today before or after practice and I would give him the cookie. My problem is, it's just so awkward between us! Maybe it's just me. But I know I'm not over him and I hope he isn't over me yet. I dunno... 

Maybe it's the pms talking here but... Half the time I think I am completely over him. But the rest of the time I am not at all...

I don't know how to react, or even what to think anymore... :/

But in a band update, today is our 5-9 rehearsal, then the clarinet section is have a "sectional" pool party! But what sucks is my summer homework is due tonight at midnight, and I have barely started... my way through this assignment for la.

And tomorrow is our rehearsal at 4 then a picnic at 5 and our first game at 7!!!

August 28, 2012

Wake up? or Follow the Heart?

Yesterday me and my marching band went on our annual trip to Cedar Point. I was originally hanging out with my friends, then we saw my ex...

On our way from Michigan to Ohio, we stopped at McDonald's to get some food, I was on my *ahem* timeofthemonth, and I needed some painkillers. FAST. My ex needed to go to the gas station across the street to get something. So I said oh I will go with you. We had to run to and fro to make it back to the bus on time...

LATER my friends and I were catching the train so we could go ride the mantis, but they later decided they wanted to ride something else first, but Michael and his friends were going to just go to Mantis first, I really wanted to go with them, so my one friend just said if I wanted to go I could. So I did.

We got up to the mantis, and by the way, IT DOWN POURED and we were all soaked, I wore some shorts, a tank top, and I had a soaked hoodie with me. Anyway, we got up there and I started shivering. So my ex put his arm around me to help warm me up. I didn't even say anything, I was just really cold, he didn't have to, but he did. Then he was saying that I should really put on my hoodie even though it was soaked, because I would feel way better. ... I listened to him...

We went on a few rides, and we went on this one ride called the "Scrambler" (look it up if you're confused) and my ex was like, you wanna sit next to me? so of course I just said sure. so we were sitting there, and he sat on the outside, and me trying to keep it from being awkward, I tried to not run into him but I eventually gave up.. He told me when we were on it, "not to be like a jerk or anything but I have been having an awesome time today, without you being all rude and stuff" 

*just to explain, we dated for a week before band camp, and we broke up, and I found out a few weeks later, it was because, I can be rude, and bossy, and he was looking for the type of girl who will let the boy be the hero.. I think I have figured out, that I really should just stop acting like such a guy. the problem is, I have been that way since I was little...*

What's funny is that I would try SO hard after he said that to keep up on not being, well a b!tch, and I don't know what I did, but I guess, I am no matter what. I would make one SMALL sarcastic comedic comment, and he would just be like (in a joking matter I think/hope) shut up, you b!tch (it was seriously in such a joking matter, just like the way he would say it). What I don't understand is... He was being a total JERK later on!! but on the bus he was all cool and fun again. my problem is that when I got home, all I could think about was him putting his arm around me and just being so nice, and fun. But when I woke up this morning, I started realizing the bad parts of him too...

also my friends on the bus after the gas station, asked me what I was waiting for, because it was SO obvious. They wanted to know if I was waiting for him to make the first move again (which I am) or what!

So now the question... Should I wake up from my little fantasy/hope that we will get back together? or Should I just work on my own traits, and try to work with his and follow my heart and hope that we could get back together?

August 26, 2012

What doesn't kill you...

Trying to balance band, summer homework, and boys is probably one of the most difficult things I have done so far... But you know what they say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" I just have to keep moving on. What's funny is my family and friends say I act more like a guy half the time, and I usually wonder if my life would be easier as a guy... I mean it's not like I play flute!

On a side-note, I have also been having weird dreams... You see, I never originally wanted to go to my current high school, I wanted to go to one out of my area, so I would have open-enrolled; but open-enrollment closed down. And now I am having dreams about if it would be better to transfer next year. Would it be??