Back to the Beginning...

as much 'progress' as I thought I have been making is completely gone.
He haunts my dreams
He haunts my being
I see him everywhere in school
Am I just looking for him?
Or are we meant to be together?
I'm not over him
I wonder if I ever will be
I want to be with him
I want him to like me
I want to just be around him.

I wonder...
What does he think of me?
Does he want to kiss me
as much as I want to kiss him?
Does he miss me?
Will he ask me to homecoming?
Does he WANT to?

Why can't I get in his head and understand him???

So I'm in no way over my ex... I thought I was. but now all I can think about, dream about, is him.
and I constantly wonder and HOPE he will ask me to homecoming...
constantly... CONSTANTLY. he is even showing up in my dreams. one night, before morning practice, it was the one night I could sleep in till 5:30, and I fell asleep at oh I dunno, 11ish? but that night. I felt the best. I got a good amount of sleep. and my dream... he was in it the entire time. and when I awoke... I felt so amazing I didn't even understand it.

and at the game last night, I finally told my friends that I still really liked him. My best friend kinda knew all along, my friend on sax, I told her earlier, and my other friend on sax, he has been telling me this entire time that I wasn't over him, and my other friend who is in regular band, doesn't know still I don't think... but in short. I'm back at the beginning and High School Is Difficult...

Some songs of my ex

So during Theatre stuff this past summer when I was with "Michael" my friend showed me this song called 'Love Me Dead' by Ludo. so when I was kinda depressed because he was ignoring me, I thought back to the song. and I just kept singing it. I got bored so I came up with the girl version.

The Original:

Love me cancerously

like a salt sore soaked in the sea

High maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen

Narcissistic and mean

*snap*

Kill me romantically!

Fill my soul with vomit, then ask me for a piece of gum

Bitter and dumb, you're my sugar plum :)

You're awful, I love you!

She moves through moonbeams slowly

She knows just how to hold me

And when her edges soften

her body is my coffin

I know she drains me slowly

She wears me down to bones in bed.

must be the sign on my head,

that says Oooh "love me dead"!

Love me dead

You're a faith healer on T.V.

You're an office park without any trees

corporate and cold.

gushing for gold

leave me alone!

you suck so passionately

you're a parasitic, psycho, filthy, creature, finger banging my heart

you call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?

You're hideous, and Sexy!

She moves through moonbeams slowly

She knows just how to hold me

And when her edges soften

her body is my coffin

I know she drains me slowly

She wears me down to bones in bed.

must be the sign on my head,

that says Oooh "love me dead"!

Love me dead

Wowww UHH

*guitar part*

Love me cancerously

*whistles*

Rrrattadadada RRRRrratatadada

How's your new boy, does he know about me?

you got the mark of a beast.

You're born of a jackal, You're beautiful

She moves through moonbeams slowly

She knows just how to hold me

And when her edges soften

her body is my coffin

I know she drains me slowly

She wears me down to bones in bed.

must be the sign on my head,

that says Oooh "love me dead"!

Love me dead

My Version

Love me cancerously

like a salt sore soaked in the sea

High maintenance means you're a gluttonous king

Narcissistic and mean

*snap*

Kill me romantically!

Fill my soul with vomit, then ask me for a piece of gum

Bitter and dumb, you're my sugar plum :)

You're awful, I love you!

He moves through moonbeams slowly

He knows just how to hold me

And when his edges soften

His body is my coffin

I know he drains me slowly

He wears me down to bones in bed.

must be the sign on my head,

that says Oooh "love me dead"!

Love me dead

You're a faith healer on T.V.

You're an office park without any trees

corporate and cold.

gushing for gold

leave me alone!

you suck so passionately

you're a parasitic, psycho, filthy, creature, finger banging my heart

you call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?

You're hideous, and Sexy!

He moves through moonbeams slowly

He knows just how to hold me

And when his edges soften

His body is my coffin

I know he drains me slowly

He wears me down to bones in bed.

must be the sign on my head,

that says Oooh "love me dead"!

Love me dead

Wowww UHH

*guitar part*

Love me cancerously

*whistles*

Rrrattadadada RRRRrratatadada

How's your new girl, does she know about me?

you got the mark of a beast.

You're born of a jackal, You're beautiful

He moves through moonbeams slowly

He knows just how to hold me

And when his edges soften

His body is my coffin

I know he drains me slowly

He wears me down to bones in bed.

must be the sign on my head,

that says Oooh "love me dead"!

Love me dead

another song that I heard when we were together, was Since U been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson (also by My Darkest Days) and it bugged me. Because our relationship was almost exactly like that. Except the break up. and now that I think about it. It describes my relationship almost to a tee. but a small difference. I still see him all the time. and I still miss him :/

but I'm hoping that this new guy in my lunch asks me to homecoming, or we at least hang out most of it and dance together :3

SO HOPEFUL

Boys. School. Marching Band.

So much news!

Girly side: so there is this really cute boy in my lunch! He is friends with my friends in marching band, one is in cymbals and the other in trumpet, and he is so cool :3 he is chill, nice, and loves music, but doesn't know how to play an instrument... Is that allowed for the band kids???

On The Band side: so apparently on Fridays the band literally goes through the halls of the entire school doing the cadence! It is so fun! Except then I get to 1st period all sweaty. It is mainly intended to get the school pumped for the varsity football game that night. The problem is that no one was really getting into it, they were just like 'oh mah Gosh. It's those lame bandos' I personally find this SUPER offensive, we are actually really cool, and honestly more fun the the other kids in my classes.

On the school side: so my classes kinda are weird. I got math first period: I am so abnormally quiet in this class, but most of them are sophomores (note I'm a freshman) and I'm pretty sure they think band is nerdy :( . Second period I have english: my friend who is in concert band is in there an I have a friend who is also in my block science class, and so not really any band kids in there (I always miss them so). Third and fourth periods my Block Science: let's see, I know a couple kids, none of them band :(. LUNCH: the cute boy :3 my friends who are on cymbals and then the one on trumpet (yay band kids :D) Fifth period, BAND: so obviously a lot of band kids, my ex, my bestie, my creepy friend who we all love anyway, and so on anon and on. LAST PERIOD, French: so I have my friend who my ex still likes... But we're really good friends an we just talk about OTHER guys and stuff. Then the day is over :)

So. Ex wise... Well. I'm getting over him. Turns out my friend doesn't even like him. But I am still (hopefully) good friends with him. It's really crazy. High school is so difficult. If anyone can answer me on this? If you have any advice and youre reading this. Please help :)

TOMORROW IS ARTS AND APPLES!!! I'm so happy, even though I don't get to sleep in :/ it's gonna rock though!!!

Blonde band chick out!